Have you ever prayed for a neon sign, then gotten the neon sign and pretended it wasn’t there? I feel like closing the blinds, pulling a pillow over my head and then, ever so carefully, peeking out slowly, just with one eye, to see if the sign is still there, brightly glowing and infiltrating the darkness of my complete denial.
I’d hoped for an arrow, a big bright red flashing arrow pointing to a very specific thing in a very specific direction that would leave no room for second guessing. If I’m to be perfectly honest, I’d probably still be hiding, but that’s what I’d hoped for and not what I have still blinking through the blinds. Mine now is yellow and obtrusive, not flickering or giving out, but staring me down as I peek out. It’s hard to avoid something that bright.
Why the rant? Well, I’ve been whining about birthdays for years, writing pity-party blog posts and scribbles in old notebooks I’ve hidden away, frustrated that I’m not “accomplished” or on a track for something bigger, something purposeful that I can “rock.” This year instead of throwing my usual party, I decided to pray and seek and truly try to be open minded. Part of the problem is that I just like too many things, that I feel drawn to too many things… so that’s where I need the arrow. “God,” I prayed, “lead me to my purpose. Show me [I’m now envisioning the red flashing arrow] what exactly I’m supposed to be doing.”
The girls are starting school, Kirk has his job… I’m going to have time again. It’s time that I could DO something….
Then last night Luci asked me to draw a pig for the “pig personality test” which was fun, but sort of odd and not at all enlightening, but that led to another one that she’d found and taken, so, late and tired, I took it too and ended up, again, describing me much more accurately than I’m comfortable with.
“First and foremost is seemingly every INFPs’ dream growing up – to become an author. While a novel is a classic choice, it is rarely an accessible one, and there are many viable options for freedom-loving INFPs. The internet brings to the world the opportunities of blogging and freelance work – as organizations expand their reach beyond their native tongues, they will come to depend on INFP personality types, with their gift for language and written expression, to take their rougher translations and stale pitches and inject them with a sense of beauty and poetry.”
Did you see that?!? Number 1 career path? Writer. (This is where I stick my head under the covers and hope the electricity goes out soon because the neon sign is getting annoying.) Given the irregularity in which I’m posting here, you can tell that I am the obstinate ostrich, head firmly planted underground.
Neon number two has come in many forms lately, but oddly enough, a Tablet article on Shawn the Sheep quoted this, “And religion, like the law, cannot be followed privately. It’s a collective undertaking. Job…isn’t one man; “Behind Job’s ‘I,’ there stands the ‘I’ of Israel.” Disaster leads to revelation. Revelation leads to rebirth. Rebirth requires community.” Oddly enough, this resonates – big time. I am a fairly isolationist creature… and it’s becoming clear that I shouldn’t be. (The thing is, that in a world of ostriches, if I’m the one with my head in the sand and all the others are around me looking, then really, they’re just staring at my butt and that’s just as uncomfortable as making eye contact… but I digress…)
Neon three was a simple childhood scripture that I think there’s a tune to somewhere that I’ve forgotten, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) Prayer is communication. As a parent, I’ve repeatedly asked my daughter’s to communicate. “Ask, don’t assume you know the answer.” They’ve missed out on things they’ve really wanted to do because instead of simply asking, they’ll assume my answer’s “no,” but they’ve assumed wrong. So, what am I missing by not asking? Not communicating? Not taking all of my questions directly to God?
Does this mean that I’m magically going to start posting here all the time? Probably not… blogging isn’t necessarily the answer. But… I do know that I am supposed to be writing – something. Perhaps it’s the novel that is my work-in-progress (as slowly as possible), perhaps I need to start submitting work. That’s tough… I hate submitting things… it opens up the whole possibility of criticism that is just too terrifying.
Either way… there is some clarity and I’m pretty certain that if I communicate with more consistency than I blog, that I’ll find the direction that I’ve been looking for.